It has been close to two months and I feel like reality has hit me hard. I am back to work and enjoying it as much as anyone could. It pushes me to wake up and do something everyday. However, I find myself on the verge of a complete meltdown all the time...when I least expect it I crumble. The hardest thing for me right now is figuring out how to help Alexis and Rob when I know they are struggling. It is so hard to comfort her while she is in tears because I can barely keep myself together. I end up falling apart. She has joined a youth support group that has been wonderful for her. She was so positive and talks a lot about Drew after. I think I need one of those.
I have a lot I am trying to work on to keep myself busy. One amazing project has been doing family history. I know that sounds weird but my mom recently gave me tons of family history that I have been putting into a family tree worksheet online. It is really fascinating. My great great great great grandparents had three babies pass away before they were three months old. It leaves me wondering if they may have had the same disorder as Drew.
No matter where I am, what I am doing, or who I am with, the only thing I think about is my little boy. I miss his sweet s lie and beautiful eyes. I pray everyday that my memories will stay strong and i will never forget even the smallest detail.
I appologize if this is a gloomy post. I am hoping to hear soon from the genetics team to start some testing. Maybe then I can post a more positive note!
Please don't feel like you need to apologize for what you call "a gloomy post." Like you said, reality has hit. And reality really stinks right now. It's okay to allow yourself time to grieve. I wish that somehow I could take some of the pain so that it wasn't so heavy on your heart all the time. Remember that you are an amazing woman! And you are doing a great job in continuing to live in spite of the heavy grief you are feeling. When you really feel like you can't deal anymore, would it help to think of something that makes you laugh? I love the example of Dorie on "Finding Nemo," who had a silly nature, but a very profound thought: "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!"
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome about you doing family history--what a productive and important way to spend time! What if Drew is doing missionary work among your family members and needs you to do the temple work for them?
I continue to pray for you, Rob, and Alex morning and night. Keep goin', Brit--you are doing a great job. Much love--Tiffani
I love you Brittany, I wish I knew how, and were in a better position to help you. I hope I can somehow, and if you find a way that I can please tell me! Family history sounds like such a great project, and so many blessings come along with it! I think of you often, and still keep you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteYes, no need to apologize. There is no healthy way out of it, we have to grieve. I love that you are filling your time with good things. Family history is such a great way to do work that affects both sides of the veil.
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