First, I FINALLY have found the motivation to starting writing on my blog again. I suppose I had to take a small break from all social media including this blog because I lacked motivation to read about other peoples lives (I know, selfish right?!?) But I am also having a hard time formulating a post that didn't entail an extreme about of negativity and sadness. The past few weeks have been a serious struggle for me. I have been having a hard time in social situations because I often find myself unable to cope with any measure of pressure, anxiety, stress...even joy. I find peace and joy in being home, reading and going about my rather boring life.
Second, We FINALLY got an appointment with our team of geneticists to start the genetic testing! It has been very frustrating waiting for our insurance to give any indication of whether or not they would help us pay for the genetic tests we need to get to better understand what took Drew away from us. To no one in particular's fault it is just an incredibly slow process. I was also beginning to feel like I was being cut off from blessings of any kind or any type of communication with God. I suppose I thought that maybe he wants to throw me out and see how I do after all the guidance he has provided for me and Robert over the last few weeks.
Here is what happened to get to where I am today!
I met with one the members of our Stake Presidency several weeks ago. He was just checking on me to make sure I was doing OK. I told him what I was struggling with, and he shared an amazing piece of insight with me that has been incredibly true in my life, especially right now. He shared with me this scripture from Joseph Smith History:
After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time s if I were doomed to sudden destruction.
But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at that very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction--not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being--just at that moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun... (v15-16)
I could finally understand how God gives us blessings...right at the moment when we feel like we will absolutely self destruct and can't handle life anymore. But here's the trick. We have to go to Him!! This is such a powerful scripture to me. I can think of this example in my life dozens of times in just the last few months since Drew got sick and passed away.
I have been slowly digesting this book and pondering what President Richards taught me in that meeting when an absolutely amazing experience happened. I hope you aren't disappointed because I didn't see angles. No one descended from Heaven. But this experience has extreme power to me.
I was sitting at my desk at work when I received a call from one of the genetic counselors. I feel like I have talked to him so much in the last few weeks that I could recognize his voice out of a crowd! He told me that Ambry genetics got back to him about our insurance and he had good news. According to our insurance policy they decided that genetic tests are covered at 80%..........I was blown away. I was standing in an empty classroom and I started crying. What a huge blessing. Although we have the money set aside in a trust fund for the test (giving our insurance company wouldn't pay for any of it), we now have a window to help others! We went from having a test cost $14,000 to just over $2500!
Here's the most incredible part. I was having an excruciating day. I felt like I could burst into flames because I had so many emotions running through me. When the genetic counselor called, it was exactly six months since Drew died. As I was pondering this significance after I got home, I heard a small voice enter my heart... "This is from Me!!" I knew exactly what that meant!
