Just In The Nick Of Time

Growing up I had only a few friends but we moved several times so I never felt like I had close friendships. Throughout my childhood, like almost any normal person, we had many "issues." when I was in those moments I never felt like I had alone there to pick me up when I felt like I was going to fall apart. This ultimately lead to a fierce dedication to never fall apart.

I have had so many moments where I feel like I am going to crumble...and just when my natural instinct...rather, learned behavior starts to kick in...I get a text, phone call or visit from a close friend. Just in the nick of time. I don't even have to ask...it's like she knows exactly what I need...before I even realize it.

Tonight, for some weird reason, I had the urge to can a bushel of pears I got from a member in our ward. What was I thinking. It was a lot more work than I expected! But...just in the nick of time...as I began to tear up with dozens of pears in front of me...Marci calls me and says "I am bringing dinner over in a few and I am going to help you can your pears!" it wasn't the end product that mattered to me, it was the process.

I feel so incredibly blessed to have a friend that is two steps ahead of me. I don't know what I would do without her. In a small way I feel like Drew has been the instrument behind this blessing. I know he is watching over our family. I can still feel his beautiful spirit...the same peace and love I felt when I would hold him late at night when it was quiet and I could relax. In the words of his big sister "I miss you Drewber baby...you will always be my only Drewber...mom, do you think Jesus calls him Drewbers too?"

Yes.

Reality hits hard

It has been close to two months and I feel like reality has hit me hard. I am back to work and enjoying it as much as anyone could. It pushes me to wake up and do something everyday. However, I find myself on the verge of a complete meltdown all the time...when I least expect it I crumble. The hardest thing for me right now is figuring out how to help Alexis and Rob when I know they are struggling. It is so hard to comfort her while she is in tears because I can barely keep myself together. I end up falling apart. She has joined a youth support group that has been wonderful for her. She was so positive and talks a lot about Drew after. I think I need one of those.

I have a lot I am trying to work on to keep myself busy. One amazing project has been doing family history. I know that sounds weird but my mom recently gave me tons of family history that I have been putting into a family tree worksheet online. It is really fascinating. My great great great great grandparents had three babies pass away before they were three months old. It leaves me wondering if they may have had the same disorder as Drew.

No matter where I am, what I am doing, or who I am with, the only thing I think about is my little boy. I miss his sweet s lie and beautiful eyes. I pray everyday that my memories will stay strong and i will never forget even the smallest detail.

I appologize if this is a gloomy post. I am hoping to hear soon from the genetics team to start some testing. Maybe then I can post a more positive note!